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My Various Complaints About the Quality of Children's Literature

Parents of toddlers are used to the drill: bedtime means reading the same books, over and over...one wishes that the quality of these books was a little higher.

Series Name: The Berenstain Bears
Number of Times Read In Our House: Approx. 5,000
The great thing about Berenstain Bears books is every page has 7 or 8 paragraphs of description, which flows really smoothly when you're reading it aloud to a toddler for the fifth time. Hey, Stan and Jan Berenstain, a little tip: try having your characters do something or say something. If you ever have to read one of your books out loud, you'll thank me for it.
Another tip: the use of "had had" should be avoided. ("Mother Bear had had enough of the Brother's and Sister's behaviour.") If you find yourself using this phrase "had had" you should rewrite your sentence. If you find "had had" in your book on the bookshelf, you should hire a new editor.

Series Name: Clifford Phonics Books
Number of Times Read In Our House: Approx. 100,000
The weird thing about phonics books is that the plot is twisted and bent to serve the needs of whatever phonic sound is being taught. For example, in the Clifford book where the focus of the book is the "-ft" sound, Clifford the Big Red Dog gives Emily Elizabeth a raft as a birthday gift. I don't know what kind of idiot dog thinks a raft is something that a 6-year-old girl would appreciate. Considering that Emily Elizabeth's father is no doubt fairly rich (after all, he can afford to feed/house/clean up after a dog bigger than an elephant), he should be able to afford a family yacht, or at the very least, some kind of speedboat. Maybe they can tow Clifford's crappy raft behind it.

Series Name: Little Critter
Number of Times Read In Our House: Number of grains of sand in the Sahara
I'm not sure what kind of animal the Little Critter is supposed to be, but I find his sharp claw hands and feet to be not that cute and cuddly, and actually a little creepy.

Series Name: Elmo Visits the Doctor/My Trip to the Hospital/Just Going to the Dentist
Number of Times Read In Our House: Number of stars in the milky way
When Elmo or Little Critter go to the doctor, hospital or dentist, it's a pretty amazing experience. A needle always feels like just a little "pinch in the arm." The dentist is more fun than the amusement park, with cool X-ray machines and neat chairs. And in the most incredible entry in the series ("My Trip to the Hospital"), Little Critter breaks his leg playing soccer. Luckily, all he has to do is count backwards from 10 to deal with the pain.
I wonder if the authors of these books are ready to deal with the inevitable backlash that will occur when the kids who have been read these books get a needle, visit the dentist, or break a bone. I broke my collarbone when I was 17 and I think I would have belted the ER doctor if he had told me to count backwards from 10 instead of dosing me with Tylenol-3. The only positive thing is that once my daughter's trust in Little Critter and Elmo is shattered after her first visit to the dentist, I won't have to read these books anymore.

So what is good children's literature? In order to answer that question, we have to go back to my childhood for a true classic: The Monster at the End of This Book, starring Grover. In the book, Grover is afraid of a monster in the book, which turns out, in the end, to be him! You can use this book to teach your child about the self-referential nature of post-modernism. Also, an interesting question to ask your child is what Grover is trying to say about facing the monster that lives inside each of us.
If your child is anything like mine, they will interrupt your reading of this classic book and ask for the Berenstain Bears again. Sigh.